Pensieve 2.0

Too many drafts of late. I’m never finding enough time to finish those and post them here. Sigh!

I went to Palakkad taking a week off last week. Needless to say, I found myself in trouble again. This knotty situation was all about “the knot”.
The knot is a physical tying of a knot which they say is metaphor for the knot or binding of the lives of two people, the man and his wife (For female chauvinists, the woman and her poor “Mr. bechara” husband), but it actually is a rather knotty problem — from then on, you need to have a lot of discipline and responsibilities. So, I reached my home on the fine morning of Friday, a bit soaked in the drizzle. I had my morning chores, which I couldn’t finish off in the train. Then I had my breakfast with my mother. It was then that the lightning struck from the skies, right on to my head. My mom said some distant relative had come with a marriage proposal of some distant relative of hers. So it was twice the distance!
The conversation went like this:
Mother: I’ve started checking your horoscope. It is very difficult to find a girl from our community and with good family background, and for you two to like each other.
Me: NO! No No No… Don’t start it.
Mother: You are 24 years old.
Me: You know, it is good to hear someone say I’m getting old, for a change. But not in this matter.
Mother: I’m not asking you to marry immediately. It will take about a year to find the right girl…
Me: I have aspirations right now; you know that. I want to study further. I don’t want to marry until I’m 27-28.
Mother(As if she didn’t hear what I said): …then you can get engaged and wait for another year if you want.
Me: You can do whatever you want with the horoscope. But I will reject it outright if you show me some alliance before I’m 27.
Mother: As a matter of fact, there is a proposal now.
Me: WHAT?
Mother: You know Annam (She was the distant relative), don’t you? I’d met her in Chelakkara when she asked me if I started looking for alliances. I just nodded. Yesterday, she met your aunt and complained to her that I was not interested in the alliance.
Me: Great! So now everyone knows there is a proposal coming in!
Mother: Look, In this case we don’t have to worry about the family. They are known ones. We just have to match the horoscopes, and then it’s up to you two to talk and decide if you like each other.
Me: I don’t want to get married now.
Mother: Don’t worry. I won’t ask you to get married soon.
Me: I don’t want to get married now.
Mother: You can get engaged if you like each other and then wait for a year.
Me: Sigh! I don’t want to get married now.I went to my grandmother’s house. We had the first death anniversary rituals of my grandfather. It got over by noon.

When the Vadhyar (the priest who presides over the ritual) was having his lunch, he asked for more rice, “Koncham annam kondu vaango”(”Annam” also means rice). On hearing the word “Annam” I nervously looked around. I saw an evil grin on my aunt’s face as she looked at me. After having a heavy lunch, it was time for a post-lunch family gathering. My mother’s siblings and their family were present. My uncle and family had come from US.

I somehow always liked small gatherings like this. I always enjoyed talking to my aunt because she was the only person who was more talkative than me.

So there I was, tired after gobbling up lots of food. When I saw the evil grin in my aunt’s face again, I sensed it was coming.

Aunt: I heard you are getting married.
Me: O really? I didn’t hear any such news.
Aunt: It’s about time you got married.
Me: No. I’m only 24.
Aunt: It is good for you. You won’t have to struggle with bachelor life anymore.
Me: That is true, but I’m just not ready.
Aunt: Come on. She is a very nice girl. And it is our family.
Me: Yeah, right. Something like my grandma’s cousin’s son-in-law’s sister’s daughter is family. Besides, you haven’t even seen her to say she is a nice girl.
Aunt: So we will be back in India again in an year.
Me: Shut up, okay? What the hell is this pulling-legs for?
Aunt: Just some after-lunch entertainment.
Me: Right. I’M THE VICTIM.

After some emotional blackmail (I finally got my chance to get even with my mother), my mom agreed that she will just match our horoscopes for the sake of being courteous with her “distant relative”.
I was so relieved on having escaped from the knot (for the time being) when another less lethal issue came. This too was about “tying the knot”.
My brother came to me asking me to teach him how to tie a tie.
I went on, “Watch carefully. The perfect Windsor is an art…”

He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night: “Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you.” But no one ever really believes.

-Verbal Kint
The Usual Suspects

I haven’t blogged here for one month now. I guess I’ve become less funny and more serious. (C’mon! That’s not like me!) I’ve been partial to my technical blog and devoting more time for that. Anyway, sparing the apologies, (yeah! Be thankful that I’m back!! Without even giving false punchline-promises like the Austrian-accented “I’ll be back!”) this one is a hilarious memory which was cued by another funny talk when I visited home last week.

For those who don’t know, “the first” is me.

Lets start with some prologues.

Prologue 1: Stupid is as stupid does
My mom says that I’m a bit stupid. I think I’m not, but my mom proves time and again that I am.

Prologue 2: The Legend
“Chaakku Mappilla” is an imaginary character often used in Kerala to scare misbehaving kids. It is similar to the “Bogey Man”. As a way of controlling their children, parents will tell them about “Chaakku Mappilla” who steals misbehaving children. This guy supposedly carries a sack on his back. He catches all misbehaving children, puts them in the sack and sells them. He may be said to target a specific “transgression” or just general misbehavior. The funny thing is that it is believed in by children.

The big laugh
circa 1990
(To make things more sensible, I was oblivious to whatever I have written in blue italics below. Why? Because I was “thinking”)
That day, my brother was wreaking a lot of havoc in home. I was in the verandah, thinking as usual.
I heard faint noises coming from inside. It was my brother screaming and shouting to show his protest in whatever it was.
After some time, the noise grew louder. When I turned around, he was outside, behind me. My mother too had followed him to the verandah.
She was holding a plate with food, perhaps. The little chap was probably refusing to have food. (This was so unusual of him, mind you!)

My mother said, “Eat this like a good boy.”
My brother said, “No. I’m not a good boy.”
My mother said, “Chaakku Mappilla will come and catch children who starve.”
My brother was smart. He replied, “Chaakku Mappilla indeed. There is no such person.”

Then mom became desperate, turned to me and asked, “Tell us…You have seen Chaakku Mappilla, right?”
I probably didn’t see her winking, because I replied in favor of my brother, “No”.

I had never heard the name “Chaakku Mappilla” before. My mom, or my grandma never scared me with that name. (Maybe I never misbehaved ) So I thought it was the name used to address whoever carries a sack. I didn’t even doubt that she was acting.

Then a man appeared at the end of the road. Coincidentally, he was carrying a sack on his shoulders. I knew that man. He was the one who used to play “Thakil” (A type of percussion instrument) in the nearby temple. It was undoubtedly his Thakil inside the sack.

My mom jumped at the opportunity and told my brother, “See. There he is…Chaakku Mappilla. Now eat this or he will take you away.”
My brother was not ready to give in that easily. He boldly said, “He is not Chaakku Mappilla”, although he didn’t sound as bold as before.
He heaved a sigh of relief when the guy passed our house without even looking at us.

My mom’s next step in the drama was to ask me to go and call Chaakku Mappilla, so that he would come and take my brother away.
“Go and tell him that I have something for sale here”, my mom said.
I immediately ran outside towards him.
Panting, I said,

“Mr. Chaakku Mappilla… My mom wants to sell something to you.”

He looked at me for a few seconds with a perplexed face. Time froze for everyone except me. (Because I still hadn’t realised that what I had done was stupid.)
He frowned and continued walking. I looked back at my mom. She beckoned me to come back.
Everyone was laughing. I didn’t understand why. Call it the naivety of a 7 year old who doesn’t know the legend of “Chaakku Mappilla”

I became the laughing stock of the whole family for the next one week….and years to come! Poor me!

Well!
This is a long pending tag (I almost wrote “pending CR”…CR for change request. Mind still at work place ) from Ajith. 6 weird things about me. As several people have pointed out, I am a self proclaimed weirdo and chatterbox. So there should not be any trouble in writing 6 weird things about me. But actually, there is trouble. I see it now… Anyway here goes.

Weirdness #1
This is right at the top of my mom’s list of weird thing I’ve done in my life.

My mom was cleaning my room one day (not at all a mammoth effort as you may think. You’ll know why in this post itself) when she saw a list of endless names. At first she thought she had misplaced a marksheet of the students in her class. But actually that was a statistical study by yours truly. I was trying to study how many different people I can distinctly remember, i.e. relate the names to faces. So I had listed down the names of all people, friends, family, film actresses and so on. Anyway, this project was shortlived as I found out that the number people I knew was way too much that it crossed the limits of my hands endurance.

Weirdness #2
I am not afraid of snakes at all, unlike most people. I keep a distance, but I’m not afraid. I once was taking a shortcut which went behind my hostel block. I accidentally stepped on a snake. My friend who was with me was freaked out all day. I shoved it off as a trifle.
I don’t know why I’m not afraid of snakes when I’m afraid of lesser animals like frogs, mice, cockroaches etc.

Weirdness #3
I have a serious doubt that I have small amounts of short term memory loss. I sometimes forget things which I remembered about 30 seconds ago. Then I will have to come to my starting place (where I originally thought of that) and pull my hair for a minute to remember what I had thought of. This is a tested protocol. I almost never remember it if I don’t come to the starting place.

Weirdness #4
My mom says I’m far too outspoken.
My brother says I talk continously about unrelated things. (Called “Incoherent speech”)
My grandma says that my spirituality exceeds my age.
My friends say that I am a studious moron.

My dad says…well…nothing. He just enjoys all the fun from a safe distance.

Weirdness #5
I had problem of sleepwalking when I was a child. Later it reduced to talking while in sleep. Now it is almost gone. Some of the weirdest monologues which I uttered while I was asleep were:

• Respected teachers, elders and my dear friends.
• This is the plane and the force is applied perpendicular to it.
• You really cannot understand my friend, but I know he is a jerk.

My mom has told me that I never spoke in language other than English while I was asleep.

Weirdness #6
I am kind of obsessed with cleanliness of some things. You can call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don’t like my room in any condition other than spick-and-span. I don’t buy used books from roadside, because they look dirty. I ask my friends to wash their hands before touching my books, because they may make it dirty. I don’t like utensils thrown around in the kitchen sink and will wash them myself sometimes. I don’t allow my friends to put any non-vegetarian (which I consider unclean) item in my utensils even if they offer to clean it themselves later. They have to use paper plates. I even fool around when they bring some food item, because I suspect if they will take my plates for their food and the food will be non-vegetarian.

Open tag.. Anybody can take it (I’m lazy to propose names). Just remember that you have to comment in my blog after you wrote about your weirdness.